Thursday, September 02, 2010

on grief

eight years later grief stings.  it still makes no sense.  and it can still make me feel like I can't breathe.
obviously...most of the time...life is still moving along.  I don't always feel confused and hurt and sad. and that is because of the beautiful love of Jesus. 
but there isn't a day that I don't think of him.  and there are still a lot of times when I do feel confused and hurting and sad.  and I still get very panicked if I can't remember the way his voice sounded saying my name, or his real laugh, or how his hands looked when he played the guitar.  thankfully, the panic always fades when those pieces of doug come back to me.  and I can hear him say "ABIGAIL!".  (I could hear it as I typed that).
and I realize I won't forget. 
no matter how many years there are between him leaving earth and the great reunion that is to come.

and as odd as it might sound.  I am so thankful for my life.  I type that through tears.  because heaven knows there are parts of my life that I wish never, ever, ever happened.  september 3, 2002. 
the parts that I am thankful for surround that day, though.  my family. my douglas. my dearest truest friends. peter, my gift. eden. charlotte.  my God.
the reason I am still thankful for the life that I didn't imagine  for myself is because it has God's grace and healing splattered all over it.   and it continues to.
most of the time this blog will speak of the joy that fills my being.  and/or cute pictures of my kids.
but sometimes it will speak of the sadness that I will carry with me for always.
and it will always end with the hope and the truth that I know.
"all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well"

13 comments:

Carrie and Scott said...

beautiful post as always, thinking of you today and everyone here. love, carrie

Jamie said...

I don't know the history that surrounds this post but I can feel your pain and see your strength. I lost my mom just over 5 years ago. The loss and the suffering that her leaving left still catches me in moments of silence. It's amazing how God's grace and love can bring us through times of hurt and how our faith continues to grow despite the loss we're experiencing. My prayers are with you!
Love,
J
www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com

Brei said...

beautiful, lovely friend. so grateful for your life and for your raw emotion sharing.

Alison said...

Oh, I am just so sorry for your loss and your grief. Thanks for sharing it with us so beautifully. Praying for you today!

Rebekah said...

Praying for you today, Abby.

Joshua and Hilary said...

I too don't know the story behind this post- but it brings tears to my eyes because I hear your heart. Said a little prayer for you today, just wanted you to know.

THE LYONS FAMILY! said...

Praying for you and your family today. I knew Doug as a child back in Ohio and have very fond memories of his sweet smile and loving nature. But ahh.... you are so correct.... "all shall be well...".

becbags said...

i'm praying too and love you lots.

erin said...

love you and think of you each new september. you are beautiful beyond words.

Melissa Winchell said...

Oh Abby, I love you. Why don't you live next door to me?? We have so much to talk about. sigh. Friend, I am thinking of you and your grief and your surprising-happy life and loving you and your sweet, sweet girls (the photos are just precious every post). We are wearing our adoptions shirts proudly. Love to you guys.

thedunns said...

Abby~your post is beautiful & heartbreaking all at the same time & I hate that your heart is hurting. Knowing you & your Douglas will once again see eachother makes me smile though. How wonderful that you have a supportive & loving husband that understands that there is a piece of your heart that is taken by someone else. Give that man a hug & kiss :)

katie davis said...

i love you sweet friend. i am thankful for your transparent heart.

Gina said...

I can't believe it has been 8 years. So you know, I do understand. And love you.