healer

I listen to music a lot.  so if you get bored of me referring to song lyrics in posts...sorry bout that.
kari jobe is a favorite of mine these days.  there really isn't a song of hers that I don't like.
there's this one called healer.  and it says
I believe you're my healer. I believe you are all I need.
and it talks about Jesus walking through fire with us.  and says he calms our raging seas.  heals all our disease.
then she sings "I trust in you. I trust in you."
there were some months and years in my life when I couldn't truthfully sing those words.  I didn't know if I believed anymore.  if I trusted. I felt like I needed to have God completely figured out before I sang him those words again.  which is hilarious.  figure out God? riiiight.
I felt like I needed to know why bad things happened.  why Doug died.  why it seemed like everyone had cancer. what heaven exactly was. 
but then a little miracle happened.  (after many people loved and prayed for me)... I started to believe again.  I started to trust.  I started to realize that I'd never figure all that stuff out.  or God (you know, the creator of the universe), for that matter.  I knew that all I needed to understand was in his book...and the rest I'd learn over dinner talk in the heavenly realms.
and I felt like I was healing.
which brings me to the point of all this writing.  I've been wondering about healing a bunch lately.  I've prayed a lot to God that he would continue to heal my hurting heart.  continue to patch up the tears and rips that sometimes open up and squirt all over my soul.  I'm pretty certain that the fact that doug isn't here will always ache.  when I talk about healing I'm not talking about not missing him anymore.  or forgetting memories.  I'm looking for that peace that quiets my tears and gets me going again.  and allows me to focus on life now.
...
last night I cried a lot.  I needed to see pictures.

I wondered about how much longer it would be until all was restored and we were all in heaven and there weren't any more tears or death or disease.
when I finally closed my eyes I asked God to keep healing me.  I also asked him to tell Doug hi for me (hey, a girl can ask!).  and you know what?  he did (continue heal me, that is. not sure about the heavenly hello). and he still is.  and today is another day to get up.  and teach my girls about Jesus.  and love him.  and be thankful for my beautiful life and serve.
I still cried a little today.  but I felt so incredibly loved, too. 
I hope you can believe and trust today.
he can keep healing you, if you ask...I am so sure of it.
when I sing words of the song "healer" to Jesus  now...it is a big deal.  I get this big lump in my throat.  because now.  I know
"nothing is impossible for you.
nothing is impossible.
you hold my world in your hands."