Thursday, February 24, 2011

healer

I listen to music a lot.  so if you get bored of me referring to song lyrics in posts...sorry bout that.
kari jobe is a favorite of mine these days.  there really isn't a song of hers that I don't like.
there's this one called healer.  and it says
I believe you're my healer. I believe you are all I need.
and it talks about Jesus walking through fire with us.  and says he calms our raging seas.  heals all our disease.
then she sings "I trust in you. I trust in you."
there were some months and years in my life when I couldn't truthfully sing those words.  I didn't know if I believed anymore.  if I trusted. I felt like I needed to have God completely figured out before I sang him those words again.  which is hilarious.  figure out God? riiiight.
I felt like I needed to know why bad things happened.  why Doug died.  why it seemed like everyone had cancer. what heaven exactly was. 
but then a little miracle happened.  (after many people loved and prayed for me)... I started to believe again.  I started to trust.  I started to realize that I'd never figure all that stuff out.  or God (you know, the creator of the universe), for that matter.  I knew that all I needed to understand was in his book...and the rest I'd learn over dinner talk in the heavenly realms.
and I felt like I was healing.
which brings me to the point of all this writing.  I've been wondering about healing a bunch lately.  I've prayed a lot to God that he would continue to heal my hurting heart.  continue to patch up the tears and rips that sometimes open up and squirt all over my soul.  I'm pretty certain that the fact that doug isn't here will always ache.  when I talk about healing I'm not talking about not missing him anymore.  or forgetting memories.  I'm looking for that peace that quiets my tears and gets me going again.  and allows me to focus on life now.
...
last night I cried a lot.  I needed to see pictures.




I wondered about how much longer it would be until all was restored and we were all in heaven and there weren't any more tears or death or disease.
when I finally closed my eyes I asked God to keep healing me.  I also asked him to tell Doug hi for me (hey, a girl can ask!).  and you know what?  he did (continue heal me, that is. not sure about the heavenly hello). and he still is.  and today is another day to get up.  and teach my girls about Jesus.  and love him.  and be thankful for my beautiful life and serve.
I still cried a little today.  but I felt so incredibly loved, too. 
I hope you can believe and trust today.
he can keep healing you, if you ask...I am so sure of it.
when I sing words of the song "healer" to Jesus  now...it is a big deal.  I get this big lump in my throat.  because now.  I know
"nothing is impossible for you.
nothing is impossible.
you hold my world in your hands."

13 comments:

The Del Angel Family said...

I love this post, girl...would you mind if I link to it? I've been feeling the same way lately.

Kristin W. Niemeyer said...

It does my heart good to think of his Steve Maddens. Love this post to tears...such a wonderful gift you share with your words. Love...

Hannah D said...

Thank you so much for your beautiful, candid writings Abby. Your incredible strength & faith in our Almighty Healer is both humbling & inspiring. You are an amazing woman of God & He is truly glorified through you. Again, thank you so very much for sharing your heart with us.

...and just so you know, I LOVE your taste in music! Any time you mention an artist I always have to go and check them out cause I just know I'm gonna love their music too :)

keight dukes said...

your faith is inspiring. straight up.

keight dukes said...

your faith is inspiring. straight up.

Sarah said...

I found you through Tiff's blog. Thank you for sharing your heart...such beautiful words. And all so true. THank you for lifting my spirits today!

Natalie said...

soooo good. love you with all my soul.

Sarah said...

Love you sis. Come what may.

Rebekah said...

Such a beautiful and honest post. Thanks for sharing your heart and struggles...struggles that a lot of times we don't want to admit are still there.
I need to listen to the song. I think I will love it.

Anonymous said...

Abby,
thanks for reminding me that having pain is still ok and that trust and healing have nuthin' to do w/ understanding/knowing/closure of the kind the world understands.
maybe it's just staying 'open'
i think that's what i hear you sayin'?

Amy said...

...and i'm crying. love you with all of my guts.

Heidi said...

thanks for sharing, i think sometimes we all just struggle on our own.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting the pictures; he is just as I remembered him. I remember hearing on the news headed into work that day about the accident and I remember calling Bob McGuire and asking if it was really the Doug we all know and love.
I hate that this happened to your family, but watching your strength in dealing with this tragedy is incredibly inspiring.
--Chad Davis