no stain

this weekend I attended the created for care adoption retreat.  and it is going to take a couple of posts to tell even a portion of how much I learned, and how beautiful those three days were for my soul.
right now I'll just share a really personal Jesus and Abby moment that happened the last few minutes of the retreat on sunday morning.
one of our speakers, the AMAZING Dr. Susan Hillis (senior scientist at the CDC researching the HIV/orphan crisis AND is an adoptive mom of 10!) felt that the Lord wanted her to play a song for the 250+ mothers in the audience.  so she did.  because she's obedient like that.  I'd never heard Kari Jobe's song called "my beloved".
it's pretty much a love song from God to His children.
so I closed my eyes and listened...because I listen the best that way, not because I think it is super spiritual.
the first few sentences made me teary.  "you're my beloved, you're my bride. to sing over you is my delight. come away with me my love".  to sing over me is His delight? wowzahs.
but then she sung the words "I see no STAIN on you my child. you're beautiful to me"

and I am 100 % sure that no one else in the audience had the same thoughts I did at that very moment.  because no one else there had a birthmark medically termed a "port wine STAIN" on their forehead.  no one else there was born with a fairly large reddish that changed to pink mark on their face.  they might have been stared at for other reasons throughout their lives.  but not because of a stain.
if I had a dime for every time someone asked me what it was, told me what shape they thought it looked like, what their child thought of it, or simply brought up the fact that it was there....I'd be a rich lady.
and no, I don't have some sort of psychological damage from growing up with a birthmark on my head.  most times it doesn't bother me.  but sometimes in new places or airports I get tired of people looking at it. and the elementary school/middle school years were not fun.
so anyways. the song.  I have no idea why it took until age 28 for me to hear this song and get it through my brain the way God sees me.  He sees no stain.  not a port wine one...or any of the ugliness I see inside of me.  He came and washed those stains away.  and I've known and believed the part about the sinful stains being gone since I was a little bitty girl.  but for some reason this picture of Him seeing no stains on my skin or inside my soul made things so clear in my heart yesterday morning.
and I am so grateful that God told Susan Hillis to play that song.
recently I have seen myself as not good enough at anything. mom. wife. Christ follower. exerciser. eat righter.
but that isn't how He sees me at all.  it is His delight to sing over me.  He thinks I am beautiful. AND He made me stainless.
I thought I was going to this retreat to learn all about adoption.  which I did.  oh boy, I DID.  but I also learned about myself and was refreshed.  and healed in a lot of ways.
I am listening to this kari jobe song right now as I type this.  and my 4 yr old, eden, told me not to turn it off because ken and barbie were dancing to it.
ha!
nothing like a little child to turn my tears into laughter.  love her.